As stockholders in TheFarStairs, LLC, Inc., you will be pleased to know that this quarter's report is a very positive one. In fact, I would venture to say that it's the most positive to date, considering that the reports for all other quarters suffered from what can only be termed a "failure to exist." I can't help but feel that I bear some responsibility for this, seeing as how I did not realize I was in charge of the corporation until someone (an underling) pointed it out to me while looking over a balance sheet during a break from one of my daily squash matches. "What's that one at the bottom?" were his exact words, I believe. I squinted to make out the twelve-point type: "TheFarStairs, LLC, Inc." Good lord! An entire limited liability corporation which I was apparently in charge of! Well, we could debate all day about whose failure this really was, but might I suggest we turn our collective attention to more uplifting matters?
TheFarStairs has, until now, had little to no public profile. If asked to identify the brand from three to six feet away, most average citizens would respond: "I dunno. A type of cake?" This, however, has changed dramatically in the past few months.
First off, let me highlight the appearance of TheFarStairs on not one but two episodes of Cast Macabre (a weekly "ipod-cast"), featuring not two but three songs ("Memo to the Mountains," "Love Theme #85," "Murmur"). This is, surely, the most exposure the brand has received in its short life. Despite an initial case of mistaken gender, the showing was, in my opinion, top notch -- even receiving an on-air "shout-out" of the brand name in the second episode. This cannot but help to embed the brand in the public consciousness like an errant chunk of clay pigeon in a priceless dwarf maple.
Another clear sign of the brand's increased popularity can be seen by examining the attached chart delineating "plays" of various "songs" vs. the bleak and implacable passage of time. As you can see, we reached an all-time high in mid-October, almost certainly corresponding to the release of "The Rules." Listenership has been steady since then, due in no small part to the two online advertising campaigns we ran on the website "www.Facebook.com." When you compare the 594 plays of this quarter's report to the 0 plays of last quarter's report, I think we can all see where a little initiative and leadership can take us.
Another encouraging aspect of this chart is the relatively low percentage of "skipped" songs. This implies that the public is generally pleased with our efforts. I would also ask you to take note of the fact that the 4 songs from "The Rules" comprise 4 out of the top 5 songs listed. This statistically would imply that "The Rules" is by far the most popular of TheFarStairs' releases to date. It certainly received the most attention in the Baltimore community, generating quite a bit of "buzz" upon its release, including a feature in a local music "weblog."
Another feature of which to take note is the significant percentage of plays from "embedded" websites. This would seem to indicate that the brand's presence on "www.Last.fm.com" and "www.Grooveshark.com" has not gone unnoticed.
Speaking of getting noticed, let's take a look at the financial side of things. TheFarStairs, LLC, Inc. took in a record $15.25 net profit this quarter by selling a copy of "The Long Afternoon." On first glance, this would seem to be a rather small sum, but put it in perspective by comparing it to every other quarter's net profit of $0 and you'll see that we are in fact up 1,000,000% (this is an estimated figure, as a change from 0 to any number cannot be measured by percentage). I'm sure you are as excited as I am to see this dramatic increase!
Let us now move on to employee evaluations. Ordinarily, these would take place in a private, one-on-one setting; however, as my busy schedule and current residence in Malaysia does not allow for this, we will of necessity conduct them here.
Katherine Gorman: You have shown yourself, in the past fiscal quarter, to be an exemplary employee of this organization, having composed, as previously stated, 4 out of the top 5 songs as listed by popularity. Songs are the lifeblood of a musical brand, and yours are clearly leading this company into the future. Allow me to be the first to officially convey a sentiment of "Well done!" Keep this up and I'll wager it won't be long before we hear talk of upper management.
Andrew Livingston: Your work has always been of highest caliber, and as a longtime friend of the family, I find myself loath to even entertain the idea of "evaluation." Of course, no one in this limited liability corporation is above reproach, but let's face it, when it comes down to actual practice, some people just are. We look forward to a long and happy working relationship with you. Which reminds me, are you free for a squash match in Dubai on Saturday? I know a fabulous little café we could visit afterwards. As usual, drinks and travel expenses are on me (by which I mean TheFarStairs, LLC, Inc.).
Jesse Livingston: What is it you would say you actually DO here? I'm aware that you claim to be a "people person" who "helps the various departments communicate with each other," but what do you, in actual fact, DO on a daily basis? Since my recent realization that I'm in charge of this corporation, I've been reading over its past reports, and I've yet to come across your name on a single memo or balance sheet. It's as though, for all intents and purposes, you don't exist. And yet, you continue to draw a paycheck from this company. It's a distressing and mystifying situation. I look forward to reading your response, although I must say I don't expect it to engender any drastic change in my opinion. Between your continual lack of any verifiable job performance and the unfortunate allegations of bear baiting and badger hating (not to mention bear badgering), I'm afraid you're not long for this limited liability corporation, as they say. Please tentatively clear out your desk (but do not fill out ANY paperwork until we give official notice of your termination).
Well, that's a pretty thorough overview of recent developments. I'm overall very pleased with how things have been going. Granted, I don't have any previous experience to compare it to, this being my first (conscious) quarter of involvement with the brand; however, I don't see how this report could be perceived as anything but very positive. It looks as though this brand has a bright future in the marketplace, and once we lose a little of the dead weight we should be well equipped to shepherd this exciting brand into the popularity it deserves.