Dream Archive 45: Sure Seller

Business idea: a floating pool toy that looks like a giant dead mosquito. Why wouldn’t anyone buy this?

Dream Archive 44: Deez Nuts

We were in a college town where we kept stealing everything from everyone. We were staying in a flophouse that catered to rich and poor alike. We kept listening to stories from the other residents. Michael said his friend “Hot” Charlie was having a rough time and we needed to go pick him up. I jumped in the car with Michael’s phone and headed over to get Charlie. I looked at the phone, which was now Charlie’s phone, and there was a text message that read, “Your divorce has been finalized.” I picked up Charlie and we texted Michael. Apparently he was having trouble with the front door of the flophouse. It wouldn’t open.

We drove recklessly back there to get him. He was listening to one of the residents tell a story, and suddenly he heard the Key he’d been waiting for. He went up to an old fashioned cart that was parked outside. It looked like a wooden cart where a traveling tradesman would keep all their stuff. He pulled out a ratty old leatherbound book and opened it. He said the Key and then used it to draw a handle on the page. He turned the handle and it opened some kind of door or portal. “All right!” he said. “Mike Deez, Mike Deez, you owe me some food, you sly motherfucker.”

We went through the portal and found ourselves in a labyrinth of hallways that led to various rooms. I guess this was Mike Deez’s house. We went from room to room looking for food. We reached a room with a sofa and some machinery. We could hear the disembodied voice of Mike Deez speaking in the next room. It sounded like he was hosting a talk show—possibly from beyond the grave? “If you’re going to be handsome and successful,” said the voice, “you have to know yourself and what you’re capable of.” There was thunderous applause.

Dream Archive 43: The House Across the Valley

I was trying to complete some kind of graduate program. I was getting help from a woman who lived in the area. In return for her help, she asked me to find her daughter who had disappeared recently. I was researching the case on a microfiche projector but getting nowhere. I went to visit the woman at her house across the valley.

As I started to walk, I suddenly achieved full lucid dreaming. I felt as though I was wide awake and in complete control of my body. I thought to myself, “I finally did it!!” even though I have heretofore made no effort to achieve lucid dreaming. Maybe that’s why it only lasted for 30 seconds. But during that time I was able to fly across the valley to the woman’s house at the top of an old logging road.

Of course the house was a mansion. All houses in dreams have to be mansions. The family was having a meeting or a briefing in their living room using an old style overhead projector complete with transparencies and everything. Do kids today even know what overhead projectors and transparencies are? I’m guessing they do given the state of funding for public education in this country. Schools are probably still using equipment they bought in the 1970s.

I assume the family was meeting about the effort to find their missing daughter. As I walked out of the living room, I met the girl’s grandmother. She was lying flat on her back in the middle of the hallway. Her eyes were milky white, and she was clearly blind. She spoke to me and told me three things about myself, all of which were true. The girl’s father told me that the grandmother had the second sight and knew everything there was to know. “She always speaks the truth,” he said.

I knelt down, looking into her blank eyes. The pupils were constricted, and the irises radiated fine grey and white lines. They looked like painted marbles. I asked her, “Where is your missing granddaughter?” She seemed to be looking directly at me even though there was nothing in her eyes. She gave me the answer to my question, but I don’t remember what it was.

Dream Archive 42: Magic Trick

I wanted to do a magic trick, but I was completely wrapped in plastic bubbles, so I couldn’t feel anything.

Dream Archive 41: Fucking Homicidal Insect

I talked about dreams with Amanda last night, and I told her that I almost never dream about places I’ve lived. So of course I went to bed and immediately dreamed about the house on Locust Street. Specifically, I was in the backyard, and there was some kind of insect running around. It was about the size and shape and color of a Magic Eight Ball — some kind of beetle. I saw it coming towards me, and I tried to run, but I slipped and fell, and it grabbed onto the back of my neck. I woke up shaking violently like I was being electrocuted, still feeling it jerking around, pulling on my skin, its wings flapping. I lay there looking around to make sure it wasn’t in my room. Then I heard a deep rumbling sound that seemed to be coming up from the floor. I couldn’t identify where it was coming from. It lasted a few minutes, then I fell back asleep.

Dream Archive 40: Jelly Beans

We were coming home from a trip and dropping people off. We were in a large truck, almost like a boat or maybe a carrier for a parade float. We stopped at a large red brick building that looked to have 50 rooms or more. It was like a dorm but was apparently a co-op house where Duncan lived. I tried to ask him about it, but his accent was getting more and more foreign. I looked at the street signs and tried to memorize them, but I quickly forgot.

We went back to our house. My dad was very worried because he had forgotten to sweep up some broken glass and there had been people coming to look at the house while we were away. We went in and talked to a guy who seemed like a detective but was actually an insurance adjuster(?). I asked Kimmy Schmidt if she remembered where the big red house was. She smiled and held up one finger, then went to her bedroom and came back with a bag of extra-large jelly beans. I was happy to have jelly beans, but I still wanted to know where that house was. I wanted to live there someday.

Dream Archive 39: What It's Like

It's like an enormous model train setup, a huge diorama stretching hundreds of yards in all directions except to the west where it meets a concrete wall. Tiny cars move down the streets, but everything else is eerily quiet.